here’s the deal

I have 5 more weeks left in the semester and no motivation or energy to do what must be done. The research papers and asinine projects are stacking up and I am drowning and articles I haven’t read. 

I walked almost a mile today and my route looked like bunny ears. My spirits told me to go down an alley and I found a coat rack sitting in the trash. I’ve wanted a coat rack for the house ever since winter came around and I had to pile my jackets on the rack on my door. They take up half of my doorway, and I’ve wanted to clear the space ever since I had to put my green coat on again. I didn’t take the coat rack, but god do I want it. I feel as though I probably shouldn’t be picking up alley furniture during these times of out of stock hand sanitizer. But, damn, it was a cute one and I will be thinking about it for a while. 

Once I returned from my walk, I felt fragile, tired, woozy, delirious and could barely stand on my head let alone start the work I’ve been putting off for so long. I took a nap and now I feel worse. My midterm was due two days ago, but what even are due dates anymore, they feel more like suggestions, which isn’t the best ideology to have when trying to obtain a degree. The papers are piling up and I cannot bring myself to do it. I usually have this mindset this time in the year, but this containment is only making it worse. Without escape, I feel the fog building up inside of myself and it’s getting harder to see straight. 

I feel like I’m drowning in research papers that I have not started and have no interest in completing. This makes me so sad. I am sad that I am not passionate about what I’m spending thousands and thousands of dollars to study. I don’t know what to do about it. If I didn’t go to school, I probably never would have met my best friend, and I likely wouldn’t be doing the type of work that I have been able to accomplish. Plus I have a job, a gallery job nonetheless! These are things I am happy about and proud of, but when I actually have to pick up the pen and write something assigned, my mind shuts off, all motivation ceases, and I drown. 

I want to be swimming. I want to be happy and passionate about spending this much goddamn money. Maybe I’m being selfish and privileged, if so, my apologies, I wish I had a more constructive and positive outlook on these things right now, but it’s not something I can help. 

I just want to work on my creative projects!!! That’s really all I want to do, but the expectations, social and internal, to complete this shit are too strong. I know I’ll finish. I will finish and get my degree and look back on this and laugh at how hard it was once, but how easy it is now. It’s optimistic, but I need to be. 

I’m sad and I wish I knew how I could fix it. I wish I knew how to feel complete where I am. I put too much pressure on myself constantly and that pressure is building with nobody to lift the lid. The steam is streaming out of the sides and screaming for relief that feels as though it will never come. 

I’m here for more than my degree, but god, it’s times like these when I wish it was all over already. I watched the music video for A Place in the Sun and it made my cry. I’m missing being in the world.

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