march 16

PREFACE: I found this while looking through my old docs and, thankfully, I think I’ve gotten myself out of this whole and I can see the light again.

I feel like crap. It’s the second day and this outbreak is accelerating. People, uncaring of their neighbors, stockpile for what is, assumingly, the apocalypse. I don’t want to think this way. I want to leave food for the strangers who need it more and can’t afford to buy in bulk. 

I feel like crap. Uninspired and unsupported. Uninspired because I’m embarrassed of myself. Unsupported because I don’t feel as though I can get out of this hole right now, so I don’t explain what’s going on in my head. 

I want to sleep. Sleep away the nights and days and wake up maybe one day. Maybe I’ll wake up when this dammed mess is over, but more likely I would wake up when the dammed mess is just beginning.

I know I can’t sit here in silence wallowing away inside myself. I know I must take action but I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to do and I feel stuck. I wish I felt more comfortable in my reality. I wish I was more comfortable in my skin. I wish I was more comfortable with what I create, but I feel myself slipping back into where I was before. I was above the rock for a little bit, but without my notice, a landslide hit carrying me back down into where I lived before. Self doubt, anger, sadness, loneliness, have leeched themselves onto my back and I can feel my life force being sucked out. The light is dwindling but it’s still there and I must go to it. I must go to it before I sink and all i can see is the black nothingness of drowning.

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